Cheri-Bibi: The Stage Play Read online

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: (pointing to a man coming aboard with great difficulty) Eh! Your last companion seems to be ill.

  PROSKOFF: This is our friend, the Marquis Maxime du Touchais, who owned the yacht we were on when the storm struck. He is indeed ill.

  (Maxime climbs aboard.)

  MAXIME: Please excuse me for not being the first to introduce myself, as would have been my duty, but I’m ill...

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: We’ll get you back to your feet in no time. (To Le Kanak, dressed as Ship Surgeon) Major, will you please see to Monsieur le Marquis? (to the sailors) Help the Major take our guest to the infirmary!

  MAXIME: Thank you, gentlemen, for your solicitude on my behalf.

  (Maxime, supported by two sailors, leaves, followed by Le Kanak.)

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: And now, my dear Baron, would you tell us the details of your shipwreck? (to Carmen and Nadja) Ladies, please, I beg you to sit down

  PROSKOFF: My story, gentlemen, will be very brief. We were returning to France on the Star of Dieppe–that’s the name of the Marquis’ yacht–when, two night ago, because of a storm, we collided with a larger boat, which caused considerable damage to ours. The Star of Dieppe started to take water. Our situation became critical. The life boats were put in the sea. We took refuge in them, but death seemed as certain on these frail craft as on the yacht itself...

  CARMEN: So much so that, all things being equal, Maxime chose to stay on his ship.

  PROSKOFF: My two companions and I went back on the yacht to convince him to come with us, but in vain. We had just accepted this decision when, suddenly, the yacht stopped sinking.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I guess the watertight bulkhead must have held firm.

  PROSKOFF: Indeed. So much so that we were able to wait for a while before risking our lives again in a life boat.

  NADJA: Get to the point. You’re not telling The Odyssey.

  PROSKOFF: Right! Well, luck then put you on our path. Luckily for Maxime who, from emotion or a cold, had developed a nasty fever.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: So all’s well that ends well.

  PROSKOFF: My joy at being rescued is only marred by the fact that my wife, my dearest Sonia, stubbornly insisted on getting into one of those fragile lifeboats and, at this moment, I am, perhaps, a widower.

  (The convicts come to shake his hand.)

  NADJA: My poor darling, you must let go...

  CARMEN: Yes. Don’t afflict yourself. We’ll find ways of consoling you.

  (Chéri-Bibi, dressed in his Captain uniform, enters from the rear.)

  CHERI-BIBI: Ladies, Sir... I’m Captain Barrachon and I’m pleased to welcome you aboard the Bayard.

  (The Baron, Nadja and Carmen rush to shake his hand.)

  PROSKOFF: Captain, we owe you our lives!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Don’t mention it. I just came from the infirmary where our doctor is caring for the Marquis du Touchais. He hopes it will be nothing.

  PROSKOFF: So much the better. If you knew what a bon-vivant our Marquis is...

  CARMEN:(pointing to two convicts, one has a bandage on his head, the other his arm in a sling) It looks like you’ve been into battle, Captain!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: You couldn’t put it better, Mademoiselle. Indeed, we have been into battle; we had a revolt on board!

  NADJA: A revolt on board! Oh! Do tell us about it!

  PROSKOFF: A revolt aboard a military ship? Is it possible? Is there no discipline in our navy? I hope, Captain, that you didn’t have too much trouble overcoming the mutineers?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Well, it was necessary to shoot a few.

  CARMEN: Why, that’s very interesting. A shipwreck! A mutiny! Such adventures!

  NADJA: We sure won’t lack for topics of conversation when we return to France.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: I’m afraid it won’t be too soon, tomorrow, Mesdemoiselles, because Cayenne is our destination.

  PROSKOFF: Cayenne! Devil’s Island! You give me the shivers, Captain!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: I apologize, Baron. We are carrying a full shipload of convicts, kept in metal cages. It’s those dogs who gave us a good deal of trouble earlier.

  CARMEN: Convicts! Criminals!

  NADJA: Ah! My God! At least, they cannot do us any harm.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Have no fear, Mademoiselle, we’ve got them locked up now. They won’t get out of their cages. And the first one who makes a move will get his head blown off. (noticing the girls’ scared expressions) Oh! Pardon! Excuse me!

  PROSKOFF: Don’t apologize, Captain! We’re much too good towards those beasts! If we had a real government, I bet most of them would have already been guillotined.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: At least half, you are right, Baron. And of course, we’re also transporting a notorious criminal–the infamous Chéri-Bibi.

  PROSKOFF: What? Cheri-Bibi is on board?

  NADJA: Is it true, Captain? You have Chéri-Bibi prisoner on this ship?

  CARMEN: Ah! What luck! Show him to us, please Captain!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (laughing) For dessert, perhaps. Lunch is being served and you must be hungry.

  NADJA: But afterward, we will see Chéri-Bibi?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: As you see me, beautiful lady.

  (The fake sailors have set a finely dressed table. The Countess enters, dressed elegantly.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Ladies, my dear Baron, allow me to present to you the Comtesse (hesitating) de Canaque.

  (Greetings, congratulations.)

  COUNTESS: My dear Captain, I learned of the happy event that brings these ladies aboard, and I am coming to put my cabin at their disposal. It’s the best on the Bayard.

  NADJA: We wouldn’t dream of disturbing you...

  CARMEN: It’s very kind but we can’t allow...

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (cutting matters short) To the table!

  (He places himself in the middle, between Nadja and Carmen. On one side, the Baron and the Countess. La Ficelle, Gueule-de-Bois take their places. Le Rouquin, Petit-Bon-Dieu and the other convicts remain seated.)

  NADJA: (to the Countess) Would it be indiscreet to ask you, Countess, why you took passage on this ship?

  COUNTESS: Not at all. In my leisure, I am a woman of letters, and as such, I feel I cannot be ignorant of any environment.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: I must tell you that this little banquet which I am giving in your honor, is not very proper, but, aboard the Bayard, we are like a family.

  PROSKOFF: It’s extraordinary, that air of resemblance between you all.

  NADJA: Doubtless, that comes from all of you being shaved.

  CARMEN: (bursting into laughter) Just like convicts!

  (There is a very pregnant pause.)

  LE ROUQUIN: How amusing!

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: Yes, she’s very funny. (slapping his thigh.)

  (Burst of genial laughter from the convicts.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: It is precisely to set a good example to the convicts that we all shave our heads.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: Yes, our Captain doesn’t need a load of bollocks...

  PROSKOFF: “Bollocks”?

  LA FICELLE: Er, it’s navy slang for the rules.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: And, ladies, don’t think that because I allow my men to treat me like their father, that disciplines suffers for it. I know how to be severe when necessary. If I didn’t use force as well as heart, after the revolt of the other day, we would be the ones in the cages right now.

  LE ROUQUIN: Bravo!

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Shut up, Le Rouquin! (to the Baron) We’ve known each other for so long, that we call each other by our nicknames!

  PROSKOFF: (aside, to Carmen) What colorful characters!

  CARMEN: (dryly) They’re a riot.

  (Le Kanak enters.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Ah! How’s our patient, Doctor?

  LE KANAK: Better. A simple chill. He’ll have to stay in bed for a few days.

  PROSKOFF: Poor Maxime. Truly, he has no luck. He loses his yacht, he’s sick, and all the while, his wife is making a cuckold of him.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (automatically) T
hat can’t be true!

  (General stupefaction.)

  COUNTESS: (in control) What is it you said, Captain?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (non-plussed) What? I didn’t say anything.

  COUNTESS: (to Baron) I must tell you that our Captain is like a true knight!. No one can criticize women in front of him!

  CARMEN: In any case, if Maxime isn’t yet what he fears to be, it won’t be long before he is.

  NADJA: The Marquise has no taste! The last time that I saw her in Dieppe, she was returning from the races. She was wearing such a terrible hat!

  CARMEN: She dresses like a provincial.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (hardly able to contain himself, rises abruptly) I regret to interrupt this little chat so suddenly, but I have orders to give. (to Carmen and Nadja) Besides, you must be in need of rest?

  CARMEN: Certainly. But you promised to show us Chéri-Bibi?

  NADJA: Before this evening?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (ominously) Indeed, I promise you!

  (All rise and leave by the corridors of the bridge, as the convicts rapidly clear the table.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (to the Countess just as she’s about to leave) Stay! I need to speak to you.

  COUNTESS: (once they are alone) What’s wrong? What’s got into you?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Listen. (suddenly grasping both her hands) Listen carefully. I know that you love me, Countess.

  COUNTESS: That’s true. But I know it’s not reciprocated.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Since you love me, are you prepared to do something for me?

  COUNTESS: Anything you want!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Then tell me what you did with the strips of human flesh that you and Le Kanak tore away from your victims. Tell me!

  COUNTESS: (with a gesture of horror) That–never!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: So there are things you won’t do for me.

  COUNTESS: Why do you want to know?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Because I’m thinking of giving you some one to torture, to make him suffer...

  COUNTESS: What did he do to you, the one upon whom you want to avenge yourself?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: He tore out my heart. And beyond that, he’s got everything. He’s rich, very rich...

  COUNTESS: He’s that rich?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: He’s worth millions! What do you think? Why are you turning your head away? Why are your cheeks so pale, your eyes so somber? What’s wrong with you?

  COUNTESS: Nothing, nothing.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: I want to know what you’re thinking!

  COUNTESS: It’s our secret, Le Kanak’s and mine. A secret which, if divulged, could lead us to the guillotine! So, now you understand why I can’t tell you anything about it.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: You’re playing with me ! You don’t love me!

  COUNTESS: It’s precisely because I do love you that you won’t learn anything from me. If Le Kanak wants to confide his secret to you, that’s his business! But, consider carefully, Chéri-Bibi. If you ever speak of it, you will cause two heads to fall. Mine belongs you, if you want to take it.

  (She leans toward him amorously.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (after a pause) Lead me to Le Kanak. I will speak to him.

  (They leave by the door at the back. The stage remains empty for a moment, then Baron Proskoff, Nadja, and Carmen enter from one of the corridors with an air of mystery about them, and make sure they are alone.)

  PROSKOFF: Since we set foot on this ship, we’ve gone from one mystery to another.

  CARMEN: This crew certainly behaves strangely.

  NADJA: It’s worrying. I can’t help having the shivers.

  CARMEN: A shiver is something delightful. I wouldn’t mind a bit of a scare myself.

  NADJA: I’d like to know what’s going on. I’d feel safer. What about you, Baron?

  PROSKOFF: Indeed. But I can’t tell you anything because I don’t know anything. (controlling himself) But I won’t be afraid.

  (Gueule-de-Bois enters, followed by Petit-Bon-Dieu, Le Rouquin, La Ficelle and a few other convicts, still dressed as sailors.)

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Are our guests pleased? Have all your wishes been fulfilled?

  (Nadja, Carmen, and the Baron huddle against each other.)

  NADJA: (jabbing Carmen with an elbow) Answer him!

  CARMEN: (elbowing Nadja) You answer him!

  PROSKOFF: (stammering) You–you were saying, Lieutenant?

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I asked if all your wishes have been satisfied?

  PROSKOFF: Why, certainly. Isn’t that so, ladies?

  NADJA: Right, Carmen?

  (Carmen makes an evasive gesture.)

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Yet, I see that the ladies appear a bit embarrassed. That means we haven’t granted all their wishes. But we’re going to remedy this at once. (to a convict) Go get Chéri-Bibi.

  PROSKOFF: No need to. Don’t bother. The ladies don’t think it’s that important any more, right, ladies?

  CARMEN: Right, Nadja?

  (Carmen and Nadja seem very embarrassed.)

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: No, no, no. A promise is a promise. Go get Chéri-Bibi, you two.

  (Two convicts leave.)

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: You’re going to see this terrible bandit whose crimes captivated public opinion.

  PROSKOFF: (blandly) What a treat (aside to Carmen and Nadja) One that I’d rather forego. What a crazy idea you had back there.

  (Captain Barrachon enters, dressed as a convict. His bonnet bears the number 3216.)

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Ladies, allow me to present to you the infamous Chéri-Bibi!

  NADJA: Well! Truly. This is not the way I pictured him at all.

  CARMEN: Me, neither.

  PROSKOFF: He looks more like a badly dressed notary.

  BARRACHON: (abruptly) I’m Captain Barrachon. I was locked in a cage like the rest of my crew when the convicts seized the ship. (pointing to Gueule-de-Bois) As for him, he’s no more Lieutenant de Vilène than I am Chéri-Bibi. He’s the convict Gueule-de-Bois...

  (The Baron, Carmen and Nadja huddle against each other, trembling. Chéri-Bibi returns suddenly.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: That’s right!

  PROSKOFF: Ah, Dear God!

  (He falls into the arms of Carmen and Nadja, who screams.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Silence, my little bird! I repeat my order that no harm is to be done to the crew of the Bayard–nor to the castaways that fate has sent to us.

  (Murmurs of disapproval amongst the convicts.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Silence! I’ve made up my mind to disembark them safe and sound at a place to be determined.

  (Protests.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Who dares raise his voice when I’m talking?

  (Immediate silence.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: The Marquis du Touchais, whom we brought aboard, has purchased the freedom of his friends for the sum of 5 million francs.

  (Stupor, then delirious enthusiasm.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Friends! The deal I made is quite clear: we’ll release the Marquis and his friends unharmed only if we’re paid the five millions. It’s either five millions–or death. Now, leave me alone with my staff.

  (The convicts drag off Captain Barrachon, the Baron, Carmen and Nadja. Gueule-de-Bois, Petit-Bon-Dieu, Le Rouquin and La Ficelle remain behind.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: La Ficelle, approach. Land will soon be in sight. At night fall, you will disembark.

  LA FICELLE: Me?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: I’m putting you in charge of getting the five millions. (he hands him a portfolio) You will find here the list of banks and the signatures required for you to obtain the money.

  A VOICE: Land on the Starboard!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: You have five minutes to prepare for your departure.

  LA FICELLE: Good-bye, everybody!

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: You’ve been invested with a position of trust.

  LE ROUQUIN: Complete your mission and get back to us in a hurry.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: And you’d better not run off with the loot!

  LA FICELLE: Good-bye, Chéri-Bibi.