Cheri-Bibi: The Stage Play Read online

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (deeply moved) Goodbye, La Ficelle. (low and quickly) You will go and see Cécily. Look at her carefully. Kiss her for me with your eyes, and when you return, tell me if she is still as beautiful as ever. Go, hug me, my friend. (they embrace.)

  C U R T A I N

  SCENE IV

  NOT HIS HANDS!

  A deserted island in Malaysia. A clearing in a virgin forest near the sea. Facing the audience, there is a low hut, roughly constructed, the entire interior of which can be seen. It has two doors. One communicates with the exterior. A second with another hut. The back is closed by a rough curtain. This hut, having no windows, is always plunged in darkness. Outside, there are several casks and barrels, then the jungle. It is dawn.

  AT RISE, the hut is empty. Le Rouquin stands guard before the door. Gueule-de-Bois enters from the first hut, followed by Petit-Bon-Dieu.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Everything OK, Le Rouquin?

  LE ROUQUIN: Yes, Lieutenant. The night went off without incidents.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Nothing suspicious in the attitude of Le Kanak or the Countess?

  LE ROUQUIN: Neither has emerged all night.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: No screams? No complaints?

  LE ROUQUIN: Several times, I thought I recognized the voice of Chéri-Bibi, then the Marquis. I was unable to understand their words, but it sounded like a groaning. It seemed to me he was complaining about his hands.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: You didn’t observe anything else?

  LE ROUQUIN: No, nothing.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Keep up the watch. I’ll have you relieved in an hour.

  LE ROUQUIN: I won’t say no to that, because I’m beginning to feel rusty here, and I would really like to explore this beautiful island, like the rest of our comrades.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: Gueule-de-Bois put you in charge because he trusts you.

  LE ROUQUIN: I’m honored–but a little angry too. I don’t want to face Le Kanak. He’s no longer my friend. You won’t get the idea out of my head that he had something to do with Chéri-Bibi’s illness.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Be patient, Le Rouquin. Think that soon, you will share in the five millions ransom!

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: We’ll live like kings!

  LE ROUQUIN: I’m really counting on it–but I’d also like to know what’s going on!

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: (to Gueule-de-Bois) The fellow’s got a point. What are we to make of what’s going on?

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I don’t know anything more than you do! I’m tired of all this secrecy too! Since La Ficelle left, the condition of the Marquis du Touchais has worsened, despite the efforts of Le Kanak and the Countess...

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: And then, Le Kanak tells us that Chéri-Bibi has caught the same fever from the Marquis...

  LE ROUQUIN: I tell you, it’s not natural.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: And we’ve been forbidden to see him, since he’s been quarantined. Even more reason to talk to him...

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: Then, Le Kanak pretends that his patients can’t endure the sea...

  LE ROUQUIN: ...And we disembark here, on this deserted island in Malaysia.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: And in the five months since we’ve been here, no one has been able to see Chéri-Bibi. I’m just as concerned as you are –and quite tired of it too!

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: I agree. We need to have an explanation with Le Kanak. But you know how he is; if he doesn’t want to talk, he’ll never talk.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: So much the worse for him then. In the absence of Chéri-Bibi, I’m in charge, and I know how to make my authority respected–even by Le Kanak.

  LE ROUQUIN: Well said, Gueule-de-Bois!

  (At the moment, Baron Proskoff, Nadja and Carmen enter from the jungle.)

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: We should have locked them up in a cage

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Chéri-Bibi gave his word. Since the Marquis agreed to pay their ransom, they’re not prisoners, but hostages.

  PROSKOFF: (coming forward) Excuse me, my good man...

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Couldn’t you call me Lieutenant? Does it burn your mouth to give me my title?

  PROSKOFF: My apologies, Lieutenant. The Ladies and I were desirous of knowing if we are to remain prisoners much longer.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I know nothing about it. So you don’t like our island? Look at the trees and the flowers. I think it’s not lacking in natural beauty.

  CARMEN: Well, it’s not as nice as the Avenue du Bois de Boulogne.

  PROSKOFF: For an island, it’s not bad; but the only distraction we have is to tour it. It’s easily done in one day, and it’s been exactly 30 days since we’ve come ashore. So we’ve toured it 30 times. You will admit that’s a bit tiresome.

  NADJA: If only it had a casino.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Rejoice! Your captivity is about to end. Recently, I sent the steam sloop to the rendezvous point agreed upon to meet La Ficelle, whom we are expecting to return any day now. If, indeed, the Marquis has not deceived us, you can look forward to your repatriation very soon.

  PROSKOFF: So you are going to get the five millions. What a godsend.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: It’ll make things much easier, that’s for sure.

  PROSKOFF: If you don’t mind a bit of advice, gentlemen, after you all become homeowners, beware of burglars. They’re becoming very bold at the moment.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: Don’t worry. We’ll take our precautions.

  PROSKOFF: Very good.

  (He prepares to leave with Nadja and Carmen.)

  LE ROUQUIN: Excellent advice.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: (calling them back) Aren’t you going to ask us for news of your friend the Marquis du Touchais?

  PROSKOFF: Heavens! You’re right!

  CARMEN: That poor Maxime!

  NADJA: We forgot about him.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: (aside) They only care as long as he foots the bill.

  PROSKOFF: See you later, gentlemen.

  (Carmen, Nadja and the Baron leave.)

  LE ROUQUIN: (to Petit-Bon-Dieu) I saw you make tender eyes at the girls. You don’t think you have a chance, do you?

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: I’ll tell you what. Now that they know we’re going to be rich, I bet they’re going to take a second look at us...

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: You really are disgusting. (pause) I’m going to speak to Le Kanak.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: I’ll leave you to it. If it goes sour, call me and I’ll be there to give you a hand. Besides, Le Rouquin will be here.

  (Petit-Bon-Dieu leaves.)

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: (to Le Rouquin) Call Le Kanak and tell him that Gueule-de-Bois wants to speak with him.

  LE ROUQUIN: Le Kanak! Le Kanak! (silence from the hut) He’s not responding.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Then go in and bring him to me.

  (Just as Le Rouquin knocks on the door, Le Kanak emerges running form the door at the back. He’s dressed in a hospital coat and is covered with blood.)

  LE KANAK: What is it?

  LE ROUQUIN: Gueule-de-Bois wants to see you.

  LE KANAK: I don’t have time...

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: (coming forward) Open for me. You will see me all the same.

  LE KANAK: (excitedly) Wait! (calling low and rapidly) Countess! Countess!

  (The Countess enters from the door at the back.)

  LE KANAK: Help me to take off my coat.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I’m waiting!

  LE KANAK: (aloud) I’m coming. (to the Countess, giving her his coat) Take it and hide it.

  (The Countess takes the bloodied coat, rolls it up and leaves by the door at the back. Le Kanak appears in the doorway, dressed as a surgeon.)

  LE KANAK: I’m here.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: You took your time. Pretty soon, it’ll be necessary to request an audience with you, like a minister.

  LE KANAK: What do you want, Gueule-de-Bois?

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: We’re expecting La Ficelle back any time now.

  LE KANAK: So?

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: So, decisions must be made.

  LE KANAK: And?

  G
UEULE-DE-BOIS: And they can’t be made without Chéri-Bibi. All the men are uneasy over his health. They can’t remain any longer without knowing what’s become of him. We want to see Chéri-Bibi.

  LE KANAK: (calm) That’s not possible.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I understand he can’t see everyone, but let me see him, for five minutes and then everything will be all right.

  LE KANAK: Not you, not anyone.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: (reasonable) At least, let me speak to him through the door. He will talk to me.

  LE KANAK: Right now, Chéri-Bibi can’t talk.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Why’s that?

  LE KANAK: Because he’s forbidden to speak.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Let him write to him then, so he can tell us what’s happening, so he can reassure us! If it’s something that shouldn’t be told to the others, I can keep a secret.

  LE KANAK: Chéri-Bibi can’t write either.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Really? Are you making fun of me? Take care, Le Kanak; if you’ve harmed even a hair of our Chéri-Bibi, I’ll kill you like a dog!

  (The Countess has listened to the exchange through the half open door. She now goes out and comes back on stage from the rear.)

  COUNTESS: (appearing in the doorway) Chéri-Bibi is asking to see Gueule-de-Bois.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Ah, you see!

  COUNTESS: (low to Le Kanak) Have no fear, I’ve arranged everything.

  LE KANAK: (to Gueule-de-Bois) What I did was motivated by his condition, which is serious, but if he’s asking for you...

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I’ll come with you

  (The Countess and Le Kanak enter the hut, followed by Gueule-de-Bois.)

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Where is he?

  (The Countess pulls a cord: the curtains on the door in the back slide back and reveal two beds, side by side, their feet to the audience. Chéri-Bibi is in one, Maxime du Touchais in the other.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Is that you, Gueule-de-Bois?

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: My poor old friend! You’ve really been ill. But you’re better now. Give me your hand.

  LE KANAK: (quickly) No! No! You mustn’t touch his hands!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: It’s forbidden.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I can barely see you in the dark. I Can’t tell you apart from the Marquis.

  COUNTESS: The Marquis is in a deep sleep.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I’d like to see how you look.

  LE KANAK: No light! It’s forbidden for the moment. Mustn’t tire his eyes.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: What was wrong with you, damn it?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: I will tell you some other time. Let’s speak of serious things, because Le Kanak doesn’t want me to get tired.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: It’s hard to recognize your voice. You must have suffered so much.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: You can tell all our comrades on my behalf that Le Kanak and the Countess have given me admirable care. I’ll soon be up and about. Until then, you have my full powers.

  LE KANAK: That’s enough talk for now.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: See you soon, Gueule-de-Bois.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: See you soon, my poor friend.

  (Gueule-de-Bois heads toward the door with Le Kanak, while the Countess remains near Chéri-Bibi.)

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Between you and me, is it serious?

  LE KANAK: Yes, very serious.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Can you save him?

  LE KANAK: I hope so, but I doubt it.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: What about the Marquis?

  LE KANAK: The Marquis is less severely affected.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Our Chéri-Bibi could die! Oh! It must not be!

  LE KANAK: Life is full of surprises.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Life? You’re talking about death.

  (Gueule-de-Bois leaves. Le Kanak shuts the door after him and heads towards Chéri-Bibi.)

  LE KANAK: We’ve got to get this over with. How are you feeling?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Much better. But my hands still hurt. Why did you make me suffer so much?

  LE KANAK: It was necessary.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: No! Not the hands! It wasn’t necessary.

  COUNTESS: Chéri-Bibi, you know you mustn’t speak.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (pointing to the body beside him) And him! He’s been motionless for two days. What have you done to him?

  LE KANAK: I’ll explain later.

  COUNTESS: Time presses.

  LE KANAK: Come on! Get up (emphasizing his words) Monsieur le Marquis! And try to play your role well.

  (Meanwhile, outside, Baron Proskoff, Nadja and Carmen return from the forest.)

  PROSKOFF: Ladies, I tell you without false shame that I am exhausted..

  NADJA: What an idea to climb up that tree like a monkey!

  PROSKOFF: But it was to bring you some coconuts, my pretty.

  CARMEN: Have you always been so gallant with women, Baron?

  PROSKOFF: Always–except with mine, of course.

  NADJA: Tell me, Baron, do you sometimes think about her?

  PROSKOFF: About who?

  CARMEN: About your wife!

  PROSKOFF: Oh, her! Yes! I’ve never thought about her as much as now.

  CARMEN: Is that because you hope to never to see her again?

  PROSKOFF: I am certain that, if she escaped the shipwreck, she is already consoling herself for my disappearance, which she assumes must be a fait accompli.

  NADJA: And she’s become a merry widow!

  PROSKOFF: And as I no longer hope to be reunited with her...

  CARMEN: ...You’ve become a merry widower too.

  (Several siren sounds. Le Rouquin, still on watch, looks toward the direction from which the sounds are coming.)

  ROUGIN: The steamer is coming.

  PROSKOFF: Is that Monsieur La Ficelle?

  CARMEN: Yes, I see him–at the rear.

  NADJA: At last we’re going to see Paris again!

  PROSKOFF: I can’t wait to see her again.

  CARMEN: Who? Your wife?

  PROSKOFF: No, silly! The Eiffel Tower! You cannot know the joy I feel when I look at the Eiffel Tower!

  NADJA: Because you have artistic tastes.

  PROSKOFF: (with a sigh) I’m looking forward to strolling down the Grands Boulevards, smoking my cigar between the Madeleine and the Faubourg Montmartre.

  (Shouts can be heard: “Long Live La Ficelle! Long Live La Ficelle!” La Ficelle enters and is quickly surrounded by Gueule-de-Bois, Petit-Bon-Dieu and the other convicts.)

  PROSKOFF: (rushing forward) You’ve succeeded!

  LA FICELLE: Yes! (to Gueule-de-Bois) But first, I must see Chéri-Bibi.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: That might be tricky. I told you he’s been very sick. (to Le Rouquin) Call Le Kanak.

  (Le Rouquin raps on the door.)

  LA FICELLE: Never mind that. I must see him.

  (Le Kanak opens the door.)

  LE KANAK: What is it?

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: It’s La Ficelle who’s just returned, and insists on seeing Chéri-Bibi.

  LE KANAK: It’s impossible!

  LA FICELLE: Look, Le Kanak, you can’t stop me from seeing Chéri-Bibi.

  LE KANAK: Unfortunately, I can.

  LA FICELLE: (uneasily) Why?

  LE KANAK: Because he’s dead!

  ALL: Dead!

  (La Ficelle pushes Le Kanak aside and enters the hut.)

  LA FICELLE: Chéri-Bibi can’t be dead!

  (Le Kanak steps back and the others enter gradually.)

  LE KANAK: (his back against the curtain) He just died. Look, you can satisfy yourselves about it.

  (The curtains open and we see Chéri-Bibi dead in a bed, in the glow of a candle on a nightstand. On her knees by the bed, the Countess watches over him. Le Kanak makes everyone move out, then speaks to La Ficelle.)

  LE KANAK: Last night was bad; this morning, he was a bit better, when Gueule-de-Bois saw him. But soon after he left, the illness abruptly seized him again and he expired in our arms.