Cheri-Bibi: The Stage Play Read online

  LE KANAK: It’s just because Chéri-Bibi was such an extraordinary man that one can hardly imagine meeting an end that was so... trivial. Two years ago, I was vacationing in Dieppe when I had the luck to meet a certain Police Inspector.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: You mean, Inspector Costaud?

  LE KANAK: Yes, that’s it. Well, Monsieur Costaud also didn’t believe in Chéri-Bibi’s death. It was futile to tell him what you just told us. He invariably replied: “Chéri-Bibi isn’t dead! He just disappeared and, mark my words, you’ll see that one day, he’ll return under another name or another face.” I recently met Inspector Costaud again, who told me: “I wasn’t mistaken. I can still smell the presence of Chéri-Bibi in the air. The mysterious murder of Baroness Proskoff at the Abbey of Thélème is his work. I’m certain Chéri-Bibi will reappear on stage in the neighborhood of Dieppe. He’ll be back.” I will confess that his conviction amused me to the highest degree. Can you imagine them arresting this bandit one night in the casino? If the Inspector is correct, Chéri-Bibi must have had the skill of impersonating a lord, a baron, a count–perhaps even a marquis!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: You have a fertile imagination, Doctor.

  MARQUISE: We will have to wait and see then. I feel warm. I’ll go out on the balcony for a while.

  (She joins Cécily on the balcony.)

  CÉCILY: (to the Dowager Marquise) Here’s the ferry from Newhaven pulling up to the pier.

  (Le Kanak joins Cécily and the Marquise. Chéri-Bibi approaches the Countess.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (whispering) Why are you here?

  COUNTESS: To save you. Le Kanak and Petit-Bon-Dieu are plotting against you.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: I suspected as much.

  COUNTESS: Nothing is lost if you still love me a little.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (ominously) I can rid myself of Le Kanak.

  COUNTESS: I warn you, he has taken precautions. He wrote a will in which he revealed your true identity and gives proof of it.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Fatality! In that case, I can’t harm him.

  COUNTESS: That’s why he’s so confident.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: But he got a million. How much more money can he want?

  COUNTESS: It’s not that. You are his masterpiece. He’s not going to let you go–not after succeeding so brilliantly in reshaping your face. The million you gave him no longer matters; in fact, he lost it all in Monte Carlo, while he sent me away of a wild goose’s chase in India. But I still love you, and intend to save you! Le Kanak’s will is at Petit-Bon-Dieu’s winery, in the room on the first floor, hidden in a desk in a corner. Steal it. Then you can decide if you want to rid yourself of Le Kanak.

  (The clock strikes noon. The Dowager Marquise, Cécily and Le Kanak return.)

  MARQUISE: Let’s have lunch. (to the Countess) Allow me to show you the way, Madame.

  (The Dowager Marquise, supported by Cécily and followed by the Countess, heads toward the door that the servant has opened wide.)

  LE KANAK: I hope that the Marquise’s appetite has returned.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: As for the Marquis du Touchais, his appetite will be more than a match for that of Le Kanak.

  LE KANAK: We shall see... Chéri-Bibi!

  C U R T A I N

  SCENE VIII

  THE WILL OF LE KANAK

  The floor above Petit-Bon-Dieu’s wine shop, located in a small street near the Dieppe harbor. It is night. The room seems sad Its only opening is a window at the back. On stage, there is a low table, some bottles, and in a corner an old desk.

  AT RISE, Gueule-de-Bois and Le Rouquin are sleeping, their head resting on their arms, their elbows on the table. A lone candle stuck inside a bottle lights the stage. A moment passes, then a trapdoor opens in the floor revealing a staircase. Petit-Bon-Dieu enters, shuts the trapdoor and taps Gueule-de-Bois on the shoulder.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: (awakening with a start) What’s up! Oh, it’s you, Petit-Bon-Dieu?

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: Wake up Le Rouquin.

  (Wooden Throat shakes Le Rouquin, who responds only with groans.)

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: Come on, wake him up! This is not the time to snooze.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: He’s dead to the world. We must use force. (leaning over Le Rouquin, he shouts in his ear) The Police!

  (Le Rouquin awakens with a leap and, seeing Petit-Bon-Dieu and Gueule-de-Bois laughing at him, relaxes.)

  LE ROUQUIN: That was mean.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: Get up! It’s time!

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: The time when honest men are in their beds. Will you finally tell us why you’ve gathered us here, Petit-Bon-Dieu?

  LE ROUQUIN: He wants a house warming party. I’ve always loved parties.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: (laconic) It’s about business.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: What kind of business?

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: You’ll soon find out.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: You’re rather tongue-tied now that you’re a wine merchant. They say wine makes the tongue wag; in your case, it deadens it.

  LE ROUQUIN: As for me, I’m not curious. I don’t give a damn whatever happens, so long as there’s money in it.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: Well said, Le Rouquin. As for money, you can be certain there will be some–plenty.

  LE ROUQUIN: Good! Because funds are rather low right now.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: What on Earth did you do with your share of the Marquis’s millions?

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Everybody’s got his vice, Petit-Bon-Dieu. Yours was becoming a wine merchant, and you’ve prospered at it.

  LE ROUQUIN: But the rest of us had millionaires’ vices. For me, the whores. For Gueule-de-Bois, the races.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Enough of this! You promised us a nice job that would refloat all our boats. We’re still waiting.

  (Several knocks are heard beneath the trapdoor.)

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: You wont have long to wait.

  (He raising the trapdoor and leans over the opening.)

  PETIT-BON-DIEU: Come on up, Doctor.

  (Le Kanak enters.)

  LE ROUQUIN: What a surprise!

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: Le Kanak!

  LE KANAK: (coldly) Good evening! You’re a bit surprised to see me, eh?

  LE ROUQUIN: Not too much. The Devil and you, it’s all the same.

  LE KANAK: Time presses; let’s talk (low to Petit-Bon-Dieu) Go keep watch.

  (Petit-Bon-Dieu goes to the window.)

  LE ROUQUIN: Go for it, Le Kanak! We’re listening to you as if you were the Eternal Father himself.

  LE KANAK: Here it is. I always thought that the sum of five millions was too small a ransom for a man as rich as the Marquis du Touchais, and that easily we could have obtained more...

  LE ROUQUIN: For sure, since he was at our mercy.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: If Chéri-Bibi only asked for five millions, he had his reasons.

  LE KANAK: Reasons that he took with him to the bottom of the sea after he died in my arms. Still, I thought that Maxime du Touchais owed us an additional ransom, if only for the care I took of him during his illness. (a pause) Now, if you don’t agree, I will settle this matter without you, for I have every intention of demanding a small supplement from him this very evening.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: He’s coming here?

  LE KANAK: (enigmatically) He can’t refuse anything to the doctor who saved his life.

  LE ROUQUIN: He might not want to cough up more dough.

  LE KANAK: Indeed. Fearing my eloquence alone might prove be insufficient, I thought that several of us could persuade him more easily.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I understood now.

  LE ROUQUIN: It should be easy. As I recall, he was not very strong, that Maxime du Touchais.

  LE KANAK: I’m afraid you’re mistaken there. Since his illness, he’s acquired a new vigor. I took such good care of him, you see... Four of us won’t be too many. More are not necessary. The Marquis must simply be convinced.

  GUEULE-DE-BOIS: I’ve always said it, Le Kanak. After Chéri-Bibi, you were the smartest of us all.

  LE KANAK: Follo
w my orders to the letter and you won’t have any reasons to complain. (a pause) I’ve set a trap for him. He may be suspicious and not come alone. (pointing to the desk) My bait is inside that desk.

  PETIT-BON-DIEU (at the window): I hear a noise.

  LE KANAK: (going to the window) It’s him! Let’s hide. I’ll have plenty of time to give each of you my instructions.

  (Petit-Bon-Dieu, Gueule-de-Bois and Le Rouquin go down through the trapdoor. Le Kanak follows, after having blown out the candle. The room is plunged into darkness. A moment passes. Then, one sees light coming from the window. We hear the sound of glass breaking. A hand passes through the opening, opens the window and Chéri-Bibi climbs through. He moves his lantern around, then, seeing nothing suspect, makes a gesture. La Ficelle enters the same way. Both are wearing overcoats with the collars turned up, soft hats and kerchiefs around their faces.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (examining the room) No way out except through this trap door. Light up.

  (La Ficelle lights the candle.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (pointing) Here’s the desk. Are you sure we weren’t followed?

  LA FICELLE: I’ve seen nothing suspicious.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Listen. No noise. We can’t afford to be caught. If someone shows up, it will be his bad luck.

  LA FICELLE: Yes, it would be indeed be regrettable if someone showed up.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: You will do as I will, right, La Ficelle?

  LA FICELLE: Since it’s necessary, I won’t hesitate. But I really hope we won’t be reduced to that extreme.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: I hope so too. Let’s act fast. Everything must be done before dawn. Give me the crowbar.

  (Chéri-Bibi and La Ficelle head toward the desk.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (breaking into the desk) Poorly made furniture of no value. It won’t take long. (after another stroke, stronger than the first, the panel of the desk gives way.) Where is the will? (messes about) Empty! The desk is empty!

  LA FICELLE: (pointing to a paper attached to the panel that was broken when the desk was forcefully opened.) What about that piece of paper?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (snatching the paper and reading it) “Le Kanak presents his respectful compliments to the Marquis du Touchais and has the honor of informing him that he will not find his will here because it is kept in a safe place.” We’ve been tricked. Retreat!

  LA FICELLE: (leaping to the window) The ladder’s no longer there!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: It was a trap, a trap that the Countess baited for me, and I fell into it like a child.

  LA FICELLE: What about that trapdoor?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Let’s open it.

  (With the help of La Ficelle, Chéri-Bibi discreetly raises the trapdoor and both of them take a look below.)

  LA FICELLE: Le Kanak! Le Rouquin!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Petit-Bon-Dieu! Gueule-de-Bois! Our entire past is catching up with us.

  LA FICELLE: They’re ready to come up. What do we do, Chéri-Bibi?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: We must protect the Marquis du Touchais. I’ll throw myself on them. We’ll roll onto the ground. You will have the advantage.

  (Chéri-Bibi opens the trapdoor wide, blows out the candle. In complete darkness, we hear the noise of a struggle, furniture being overturned, shouts, falling bodies, swear words, groans, etc, Then, the noise abates.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: La Ficelle! My good La Ficelle..

  LA FICELLE: Have no fear, I have nothing broken.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Give me some light.

  (La Ficelle scratches a match and lights a candle. Le Kanak, Le Rouquin, Petit-Bon-Dieu and Gueule-de-Bois are lying, unconscious, on the ground, in the midst of shattered furniture. In a corner, the Countess is dying.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (with stupefaction) The Countess?

  LA FICELLE: What about the others?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: We’ve been tricked again!

  COUNTESS: (in an expiring voice) Don’t think that I betrayed you. The proof is that I am dying for you. Wanting to save you, I almost destroyed you. Le Kanak tricked me. I know now where the will really is, it’s with Monsieur Régis, the solicitor.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Thank you, Countess, you will be avenged.

  COUNTESS: Chéri-Bibi! Come close, very close.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: We’ll get you out of here.

  COUNTESS: It’s not worth the trouble. It would hurt me too much. What’s the use? I only ask one thing of you: kiss me. I’m waiting for this kiss before dying. I’ve committed many crimes in the past, but by saving you, I feel as if I’d gained a new soul. Ah, if only you had loved me! I could have done great things, but you couldn’t do it, and now, evil horrifies me. I have only to die... (she faints)

  LA FICELLE: Chéri-Bibi! Dawn is almost here.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: We cannot leave her here!

  COUNTESS: (coming out) Go away, Chéri-Bibi, go away. Kiss me, I have earned it.

  (Chéri-Bibi leans over the Countess and kisses her. She takes his head in her hands and clasps it, then her grasp loosens, her arms slide down. She is dead.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: She’s dead!

  (He stretches her gently on the ground.)

  LA FICELLE: Poor Countess! But we’d better go if we don’t want to be caught by the police.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (going to the window) Too late. The police’s here!

  LA FICELLE: This time, there’s no hope left!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Perhaps not. Give me your kerchief. (placing the kerchief over La Ficelle’s mouth like a gag; then, pointing to a bunch of ropes in a corner) Now tie me up..

  (La Ficelle ties him.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Stretch yourself in a corner; I’ll be in another. Now, we’re ready for Inspector Costaud.

  (Chéri-Bibi stretches on the ground. La Ficelle, gagged, stretches out in another. A minute later, policemen leap through the window and come through the trapdoor, followed by Inspector Costaud.)

  COSTAUD: I arrest you all in the name of the law!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Help! Help!

  COSTAUD: The Marquis du Touchais!

  (The police rush to untie Cheri-Bibi and La Ficelle.)

  CHÉRI-BIBI: I was lured into a trap with my secretary.

  COSTAUD: I bet that it was Chéri-Bibi who played this dirty trick on you.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (pointing to the Countess) Chéri-Bibi himself, who would have done to us what he did to this poor woman if you hadn’t arrived in time. Thank you, Inspector, thank you!

  C U R T A I N

  SCENE IX:

  FATALITY

  The office of the Marquis du Touchais. A vast hall with windows giving on the garden. It’s the middle of the afternoon.

  AT RISE, the stage is empty; then a door opens; Chéri-Bibi enters followed by a servant.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: (ridding himself of his hat) Is my secretary here?

  SERVANT: Following your instructions, I asked him to wait.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Please tell him that I have to speak to him right away.

  (The servant bows and leaves. Chéri-Bibi sits at his desk, then La Ficelle enters.)

  LA FICELLE: Did it all go well?

  CHÉRI-BIBI Yes, more or less. I told Costaud to show the greatest discretion about last night’s incident in order to not frighten the Marquise. Besides, Cécily will have other matters on her mind soon. I was called to the Chateau because the condition of the Dowager Marquise–my mother–has suddenly worsened. I has the unpleasant surprise to find that the so-called “Doctor Walter” had preceded me to her bedside.

  LA FICELLE: Le Kanak is pushing audacity a little far!

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Especially since he no longer has any hold on me, now that I’ve gotten his famous will is in my possession.

  LA FICELLE: You were able to get hold of it?

  CHÉRI-BIBI: Yes. When I left you after the interrogation that Costaud made us submit to, I managed to go cross country to the house of Monsieur Regina and there, wearing a mask, under threat of death, I made him give me the will.

  LA FICELLE: But he’s going to complain and Le Kanak will learn that his will has dis
appeared.

  CHÉRI-BIBI: No, because I warned him that he would be exposing himself to terrible reprisals on the part of Chéri-Bibi.